writING Samples
A Struggle for Survival – How Much Energy It Takes to Keep on Living
I have a bachelors in psychology from Clark University, and 6 years of experience working in clinical positions, 9 years working in the mental health field in general. But none of this compares to my 20+ years of personal experience with mental illness. It took me over 25 years to be able to say that out loud, never mind to someone, a bunch of strangers, or anyone else. I was scared that people would judge me, treat me differently, view me differently, see me as weak, and think less of me. When in reality, I am a warrior. Every new day that I live is a battle I have won.
I was ten or eleven the first time I self-harmed, and I was fifteen when I had my first suicide attempt. And if my childhood self could see me now admitting that to a group of people, they’d be astonished. I worked hard most of my life to keep this hidden from others. My actions were not a cry for help but a struggle for survival. I thought if anyone knew the truth, then the little freedom I had would be restricted.
Instead, I put on a mask every day, making sure others viewed me as happy and warm. In fact, my peers often have and do remark on how I always have a smile on my face, giving me nicknames like, “sunshine,” “smiley,” and “giggles” - unaware of how much energy I was using just to keep living.
I have often found that those that shine the brightest, shine because they know the weight of the darkness, and they would do anything to prevent that from spreading to others.
This is how I ended up going to school for psychology and working in the mental health field. I wanted to help others that have struggled like I have, to provide them with a safe space, free of judgement, with someone who gets it. And despite my training and education, and how I always encouraged others to discuss their struggles with mental illness, reassuring them that I had no judgments - it took me almost 25 years to talk about it myself. I was scared people would see me differently, yes, but I was also scared that if people knew the truth, I would not be able to do the work I loved anymore. It took me a long time to realize my lived experience was an asset – not an impairment.
Now imagine if a mental health professional, like myself, struggled to admit that they were mentally ill, how many others without the same education and support systems must struggle with the same thing?
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, an estimated 1 in every 5 adults experiences mental health problems each year. Which is equivalent to nearly 50 million Americans. Of those 50 million, the number of adults struggling with suicidal thoughts is over 11 million, according to Mental Health America. Statistically, that means everyone knows at least one person that struggles with mental illness and suicidal thoughts – even if you don’t know it. Which is why it’s important for people to learn how they can help support the people in their life that are struggling with mental illness.
As a society we focused on encouraging people to speak their truth and we celebrate their bravery for doing so, promising them acceptance and safety. But as a society we do not focus enough on what allies must do to make people with mental illness feel safe enough to confide their truths.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that the average delay between the onset of mental illness symptoms and treatment is eleven years. Eleven years for them to feel safe enough to discuss their mental illness and ask for help. The lack of a safe space for people struggling with mental illness has damaging effects in our society. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, suicide is the second leading cause of death among people aged 10-34 in the U.S. and the 10th leading cause overall in America. Enough is enough. Something has to change.
Often times, when you find out someone you know is struggling, you say you wish there was something you could do, or you ask if there’s anything you can do to help them.
Now imagine someone whose body is made of concrete and there’s a cinder block on their chest, and a thousand bees buzzing inside their head, all while a rain cloud looming over them is pouring down rain – and then someone asks them that question. And they try to formulate a response but who can think over the sound of the buzzing and rain drops? And how can they even open their mouth to speak with the weight pressed on their chest and only half-breaths in their lungs? And now of course, they’re even more frustrated because they know they need help, but they just don’t know how to make it all stop long enough to formulate a thought.
Now imagine seeing someone you care about struggling with mental illness, going to their house, and coaxing them out of bed and into the shower and encouraging them to brush their teeth. Then while they’re in there maybe you do the dishes, or cook a meal, or clean up a bit, and when they’ve put on fresh clothes and reappeared, you just sit with them. Maybe in silence, or maybe giving them space to speak, but there’s no pressure for them to do anything but exist.
Those actions are like holding their hand while the rain pours and the bees buzz. Sure, you wish you could make it stop or at least hand them an umbrella, but at least they can feel that they’re not alone in this.
So, when someone you know is struggling, instead of saying you wish you could help or asking how you can help – just help. Do something. Extend your hand and let them feel the comfort of a presence that cares and reminds them that they are not alone.
